What would it be like if you had a relationship where you never yelled at each other?
Many people think this isn’t possible or that screaming is part of life. Some people even believe that verbal violence is a way of showing passion for your lover.
What if it isn’t?
What if you could have a relationship that didn’t have any yelling, screaming or attacking at all? Just love and happiness?
What if that’s what you’re meant to have?
What if that’s what anyone CAN have… if they’re willing to learn how.
It is definitely possible for you to be in love, to have a beautiful loving relationship, to have disagreements, and yet never yell at each other. Never dishonor each other by using force, but rather communicate from a place of generosity, kindness, confidence and power… not pain and hurt.
There are a few secrets of relationships that I need to share with you to train you up on how to do this.
1. You must begin with a desire to have such a relationship.
You are more than free to choose a relationship of verbal violence, abuse, unkindness, meanness, or generally fighting from time to time or even all the time. If that isn’t what you want, if you desire a beautiful, magnificent, freeing relationship of peace and love… which is foundational to having true ecstasy… then continue reading on.
2. Make a commitment to a peaceful relationship.
This commitment must be unwavering. You cannot give up on it. You must be fully invested in peace to the point that you are willing to end the relationship if your partner insists on yelling. You must also be willing to not yell at your partner, no matter what.
No matter what.
Are you ready to make that level of a commitment? If not, then don’t pretend that you are ready to have a relationship without verbal violence, because you have already decided that it’s ok with you.
If it’s not ok with you, and you will not allow verbal violence in your life or your relationship no matter what. Then continue reading.
3. Choose a person to have a divine magical relationship with who wants the same thing.
You cannot assume that other people want to have a relationship with no arguing, yelling or screaming. Many people want that, whether they will admit it or not is another issue, but not everyone wants or is committed to a peaceful, unbelievably amazing relationship. So be sure to choose someone who is.
Ask them right up front if they are willing to have that. If they say something strange like, “oh wow, that would be special because that’s never happened to me before”… beware. They may have a pattern of abuse that will be hard for them to break, even with my tools for erasing patterns, if they are not committed to a nonviolent relationship.
Some people believe that a woman must yell at a man at least twice a month as a natural part of her feminine rhythm. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, many women reading that line got disgusted… because they would never yell at their divine lover. There is no need to have verbal violence in any relationship. It results from poor education and lack of skills in relationships. If you find someone who doesn’t have these basic skills, don’t try to force them to play at your level, unless they really want to.
Be 100% clear and certain that both you and your lover are totally committed to a ridiculously incredible relationship. Otherwise, you’ll be sorely disappointed when your expectations are unfulfilled.
4. Set the context for the relationship up front.
The context is the structure that you play inside of. The rules and boundaries. The clearly defined desires and intentions. It’s what you want the relationship to be. Perhaps in the past you just let it all happen and unfold naturally and were basically winging it. That’s fine. But consider this, what would happen if you and your lover were both on the same page regarding your desires and boundaries in the relationship right from the start? What if you both knew what the other wanted and what the other was not ok with and it was stated right up front? What would that do to create a space of freedom and safety?
Guys, your woman cannot have a crazy level-9 mind blowing orgasm without feeling safe… have you ever considered HOW to do this? A feeling of emotional safety doesn’t happen for your lady because you hit the gym 5 times a week and have big pecs.
Here is an example of creating context:
I am committed to a relationship of unconditional love and acceptance. I promise to do my very best not to judge you or myself, and if I do find myself in judgement, to erase it permanently. I want you to know that anything you do, say, or feel is ok with me as long as you are not intentionally trying to hurt me or yourself. That you are safe to have whatever feelings and thoughts you have and to share them all with me. I promise not to judge you and definitely not yell at you or attack you, ever. Your heart will always be safe with me. This is the kind of relationship I want to have. How do you feel about that?
It they respond with yes…
Do you think you can be that way with me in return?
This is only part of the context you would want to have in any given romantic relationship. There are many other aspects you would want to discuss. This example does address some of the peaceful, non-violence experience that you are committed to having in your romance.
Keep in mind that creating context also speeds up the ruling out of a partner who is not a match for you because you may not agree on the context. That is something you definitely want to know up front.
In this example, if they don’t believe in unconditional love, then they will say no, they don’t like that context. Well, hopefully they will be honest. This is where your skills in reading people come in. They may have a totally different context that they want to create for their relationships, and that’s ok. Don’t judge them for being different, love them on their way. They may change their mind and come back to you later. Either way, you both know where you stand and that is powerful.
Have you thought about what context you would like to create for your relationships? If not, write it out. This is the fun part… creating what you want.
Once you are clear on what you want in a relationship and can clearly communicate it, then you can find someone who matches you and that’s when the fun begins…. on to what is by far the most important step of all.
5. You must take responsibility for all of your emotions.
Nearly all of your feelings are from the past and simply brought to the surface by the current circumstances.
Keeping this truth in mind, whatever your partner does that upsets you is not their fault because they are not upsetting you, they are reminding you of a previous upset that you have not healed yet. If you choose to take responsibility and heal the original upset, the current feelings will go away and you’ll no longer be projecting those thoughts, beliefs and emotions onto your sweetheart, ending the conflict and bringing love back into the present. This is how you can fall in love again and again, or maintain the feeling of love indefinitely. Otherwise each button pushed that brought up past issues that is not erased becomes a wall between your heart and your dear one… killing your passion, your feeling of being in love, and eventually your desire to even know each other. That’s how people end up married for many years and say that passion and love go out of any marriage, that it’s part of life.
No it’s not. It’s just that they never followed step 5 of this process. If you erase every issue your partner brings up in you… then you’ll have a truly amazing relationship.
“If someone annoys you, spend as much time with them as you can until they don’t annoy you anymore.” -Zen
There is clearly so much more to this step and perhaps many questions have occurred for you such as:
How do I erase my past pain so it doesn’t come up anymore?
What if they are abusing me? Isn’t that going to cause new emotional trauma?
Don’t I need to stand up for myself? If I’m responsible for all of it I feel like I’ll become a victim.
For information on how to erase every issue your partner brings up in you, please visit our 7 Steps Reprogramming Yourself Course page.